Friday, April 26, 2019

Tunnel (2002)

5 REASONS TO WATCH TUNNEL






1. BALDWIN

If you want to watch an Alec Baldwin movie but you can't, you can watch a Stephen Baldwin movie. If you want to watch a Stephen Baldwin movie but you can't, you can watch a William Baldwin movie. If you want to watch a William Baldwin movie but you can't, you can watch a Daniel Baldwin movie.





It's directed by him too! It's the second of the three movies he has directed. Alec has directed only one, so there's that. And he looks more Alec than Stephen and William looks, so Daniel might be the best fix for any Alec Baldwin movie craving someone might for some reason in some corner of the world have.






2. THE ROCKET LAUNCHER GUY

This guy shoots with a bazooka legs stretched wide. I guess no-one ever told the guy that nothing and no-one should be right behind the weapon while firing it.


Dude's an absolute madman.






3. EXPLOSION

The explosion the bazooka guy causes is pretty damn awesome. Too bad all of the energy for the rest of the movie was exhausted in this one scene right at the beginning of the movie.






4. TRIO OF LOOKALIKES

This trio is supposed to consist of a lady as a possible love interest, a funny sidekick and a hilariously sarcastic main hero guy with tons of chemisty between each other. Every single one of those elements falls very flat, but at the very least the group has a "Mia Sara", a "Paul Giamatti" and an "Alec Baldwin", so try to get as much enjoyment out of that as you can.






5. KIM COATES MAKES A FUNNY FACE

Kim Coates pulls off a funny face and is all "that's funny" about it.






Wednesday, February 20, 2019

Bloodlust / Mosquito der Schänder (1977)

5 REASONS TO WATCH BLOODLUST






1. THE BIKE

The main guy's choice for transportation is this small little motorcycle thing.





2. SEX DOLL PRANK

The main guy's co-workers bully him with a sex doll and they all are like it's the best joke ever.




This dude bought the doll "just for a prank", sure. I bet the guy took it home "to get rid of it" too, sure.









3. A CORPSE ON A BENCH

If you've ever wondered how a dead corpse sitting on a bench looks like, here's your chance to see it. It's like the most uncomfortable way to sit on anywhere but still the least uncomfortable thing ever because the sitter is a corpse and doesn't care. There's something oddly satisfying in that thought.





4. MOSQUITO

Dude calls himself a MOSQUITO...



...which is pretty understandable because he likes to drink blood with a straw...


...but this damn mosquito also gouges eyes off. Wouldn't want to encounter that beast of an insect.





5. THE MOST TERRIBLE DAD EVER

This scene goes wayyyy over the line, big time, and is the most inappropriate thing ever and almost makes anyone want to call cops or at the very least child care service or a psychologist...


 ...but it's kinda redeemed by this heavily symbolic in-your-face shot. Still going to call the psychologist though. This stuff is mental.



Friday, November 23, 2018

Boogeyman 2 Redux (2002)

5 REASONS TO WATCH BOOGEYMAN 2 REDUX






1. BOOGEYMAN 1

The original Boogeyman (1980) is a classic. A fantastic movie! You get to see that movie nearly fully in this Director's Cut of its sequel. Yes, you read that right. While the original sequel (1983) had about half of the movie be flashbacks of the original, this Director's Cut drastically cuts down the sequel's original material and puts even more Boogeyman 1 flashbacks in. Somewhere around 80-90% of the movie is now flashbacks of Boogeyman 1.





2. META NARRATIVE

When this Director's Cut of the sequel to the original isn't showing the original movie, it's showing the director being interrogated about the murders that happened in the original. So, in other words, the director initially made a sequel to his movie that had only about half of it new material, and then made a director's cut of that sequel where he not only replaced the original sequel material with more material from the original movie but also added himself talking in front of a white wall.

It takes a crazy genius to do something like that. RIP Ulli Lommel.





3. BLACK & WHITE STILL SHOTS

Not only the movie is 80-90% flashbacks of the original movie and most of the rest being the director talking to the camera, it also cuts to black and white production stills (or just simple screenshots) from time to time. And no, it's not because it is a making of documentary or anything like that. It is part of the actual narrative. Something about "the memories coming back like still images" or something.


So yes, this director's cut removes a lot of the original sequel content in favor of more footage from the first movie, footage of the director being interrogated and black and white still shots here and there.

But don't worry, the director did actually find a workaround to keep the original sequel content while cutting it off. How? Often when the actual content from the sequel appears on screen it's fast-forwarded at double or triple its original speed.



4. BOOGEYMAN 1, AGAIN

Seriously, look at this! Boogeyman 1 is a fantastic movie and it's always a treat to watch, be it in a sequel or in the director's cut of the sequel.







5. MAKES YOU IMAGINE INTERESTING THINGS

Imagine, say, Steven Spielberg announcing a Director's Cut of Lost World: Jurassic Park.

People would go to theater to watch it. They would be greeted with 80% being the original Jurassic Park, 5% being black and white still shots, 5% being sped-up scenes from the sequel and 10% being Steven Spielberg in front of a white wall defending himself from the accusations of him being the killer in the original Jurassic Park.


It takes a crazy genius to do something like that. Spielberg isn't but Ulli Lommel was!




Saturday, November 10, 2018

I, Madman (1989)

5 REASONS TO WATCH I, MADMAN (1989)






1. HANK(?) STALLONE

If you can't get Sylvester Stallone in your movie you'll call Frank Stallone and ask if he could do a small role for you.

If you don't get Frank Stallone in your movie you'll ask anyone who looks like him to do the role, and BANG you've got a lookalike of a Sylvester Stallone lookalike in your movie.

For anyone interested, the actor's name is Steven Memel. At least his first name starts with ST like in Stallone, but then it kinda drops every ounce of an action star "let's put this name on the poster, all caps, font size 1000" potential it might've ever had.





2. UNDERWEAR CATALOGUE FLASHBACK

This is like a lady straight from a department store catalogue's underwear section back in early 90's (think of Anttilan kuvasto in Finland and maybe a Sears catalogue in the US). Complete with see-through clothing and all.




3. HYPER REALITY BOOK PREMISE

 The books in the movie make situations in those books happen in real life.



In a not so subtle manner the books even have this written in them:

"All the characters in this book are real, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is intentional."

And if that wasn't clear enough, they're even categorized as NON-FICTION.

 



4. CAT JUMP SCARE

A cat suddenly jumps on the table and the lady spills her coffee. Some might think that's bad writing and it's 100% unnecessary in any horror script ever and it's just a cheap scare, but hey, cats are like that. The next time a cat jumps on you unexpectedly are you going to say he just does cheap scares? Are you calling life bad writing?





5. SUPER EFFECTS

In the most intense way possible a door gets ripped to hell and a demon dog monster jumps in presumably from the same hell dimension the door just got ripped off into.