I, Madman (1989)

5 REASONS TO WATCH I, MADMAN (1989)

1. HANK(?) STALLONE

If you can't get Sylvester Stallone in your movie you'll call Frank Stallone and ask if he could do a small role for you.

If you don't get Frank Stallone in your movie you'll ask anyone who looks like him to do the role, and BANG you've got a lookalike of a Sylvester Stallone lookalike in your movie.

For anyone interested, the actor's name is Steven Memel. At least his first name starts with ST like in Stallone, but then it kinda drops every ounce of an action star "let's put this name on the poster, all caps, font size 1000" potential it might've ever had.

2. UNDERWEAR CATALOGUE FLASHBACK

This is like a lady straight from a department store catalogue's underwear section back in early 90's (think of Anttilan kuvasto in Finland and maybe a Sears catalogue in the US). Complete with see-through clothing and all.

3. HYPER REALITY BOOK PREMISE

 The books in the movie make situations in those books happen in real life.

In a not so subtle manner the books even have this written in them:

"All the characters in this book are real, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is intentional."

And if that wasn't clear enough, they're even categorized as NON-FICTION.

 

4. CAT JUMP SCARE

A cat suddenly jumps on the table and the lady spills her coffee. Some might think that's bad writing and it's 100% unnecessary in any horror script ever and it's just a cheap scare, but hey, cats are like that. The next time a cat jumps on you unexpectedly are you going to say he just does cheap scares? Are you calling life bad writing?

5. SUPER EFFECTS

In the most intense way possible a door gets ripped to hell and a demon dog monster jumps in presumably from the same hell dimension the door just got ripped off into.

 

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The Return of the Living Dead (1985)

5 REASONS TO WATCH THE RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD (1985)

1. THE CLOTHES

I guess the entire collection of 80's clothing styles are all represented within this group of people. How on earth did these people find each other and decided to group together, I don't know.

 2. THE COOL HAIR GUY

I like the hair of that dude. It's got a bit of a young Rick James feel to it.

3. ZOMBIES RISING FROM THEIR GRAVES

It's mind-boggling how rare sight this actually is in zombie movies. In a way you'd expect every zombie film to have at least one dead corpse to dig his way out of his grave in a graveyard, but no, that very rarely happens. I'm glad this one has a nice graveyard scene, even though it's kinda ruined by an absolutely horrible choice of music. I know lots of people love the soundtrack of this movie but I can't stand the way they ruined the mood of many many many scenes by having some 80's happy pop-rock-punk nonsense played on them. Those songs don't fit in the scenes at all! The title theme is FANTASTIC though. I would've loved to hear that playing on this graveyard scene.

 4. SOME COOL ZOMBIE SCENES

Even though this is partly a comedy, there are some scenes, moments and images that have some genuine creepiness in them.

5. THE SEXY CHICK

First of all, this is a great shot:

Secondly, she's topless and naked through most of her scenes...

Thirdly, the shot of her walking through the fog is amazing...

...but damn, her face and mouth in zombie mode is unsettling and pretty much brings every ounce of arousal down very quickly.

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Virginia (1983)

5 REASONS TO WATCH VIRGINIA (1983)

 1. SHAUNA GRANT

First things first. Virginia is an old porno film and Shauna Grant is mind-numbingly pretty. Now that I've gotten that out of my system, let's get on with the rest of the reasons.

2. A MONKEY!

 There's a monkey! His name is either Jeff or Geoff.

People love monkeys. Show me a monkey and I show you all the people around the monkey going all "awww, hi, hello, hi, awwww, monkeyyy, awwww" on it.

3. SPORT-MONKEY

The monkey has a tennis racket! And he's wearing a tennis outfit!

 (it looks like he's not comfortable sitting so close to her - I mean, who would be! - but actually he just sneakily picked his nose and ate whatever he found from there)

4. ARTIST-MONKEY

The monkey is an artist! He's even wearing a beret! At first he's all serious and artist-like, but then he LOLs about it.

 

5. POOL-MONKEY

Jeff (or Geoff) has gone into the pool with the girls. As soon as the girls take their tops off, he can't take his eyes off of those boobies. He just can't. And he's very happy about it.

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